Bad Lads Army
by Raixser
Summary: Thirty 'Bad Lads' are sent to a 1950's style military training camp. Will they crack under the pressure? Or can they survive the mental and physical punishment? Better Summary inside as well as warnings. Rated M for a reason also inside. AUHumor fic
1. Chapter 1

A/N: My first AU/Humor fic woo! Anyways hope you guys enjoy it. Based on the show Bad Lads Army (which is completely awesome!)

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Starring: Xemnas, Xigbar, Xaldin, Vexen, Lexaeus, Zexion, Saїx, Axel, Demyx, Luxord, Marluxia, Roxas, Sora, Riku, Leon, Cloud, Loz, Kadaj, Yazoo, Sephiroth, Ansem, Cid, Vincent, Rude, Reno, Seifer, Rai, Hayner, Tidus and Wakka as the 'Bad Lads'

(Corporal)Richard Nauyokas and (Corporal) Joe Murray as Section leaders

Alastair Rae as the Platoon Sergeant

And Tim Weston as the Provost Sergeant

Warning: Rated M for language and nudity (though not of a sexual nature). Will also contain character bashing and, very likely, OOC moments. But no yaoi (possibly shounen-ai though I'll let you guys decide whether you want that in the story or not)

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy. The ones responsible for those blessings are Square Enix and Disney. Nor do I own any of the aforementioned military personnel they are real people from the very real show, here in the UK, Bad Lads Army (which I also do not own).

Summary: Thirty 'bad lads' are sent to a 1950's style British military camp for six weeks. Here they will be made to endure tough mental and physical training to see if they are worthy of the army. Who can handle the pressure? Who can stick it out? Who can't cope? And who will leave crying for their mothers? AU/Humor fic.

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**Part One: Arrival**

Brakes screeching painfully as the driver suddenly slammed her foot down; the dark blue bus came to a halt outside the rusty iron gates. "Alright, everyone off my goddamn bus! And be fuckin' quick about it!" she snapped, practically slamming her fist down onto the button which caused the door to open.

Instantly there was a desperate scrambling of feet, accompanied by lots of chatter, as the occupants of the bus hurried off. Grateful to get away from this crazy woman and her 'the world is gonna end any second' style driving.

As soon as all thirty of the passengers were off of her precious vehicle, the driver sped down the road at what must have been, at the very least, sixty five miles an hour. Each of the boys were positive that they could hear psychotic laughter and yells of delight as the bus faded from view. A few of them shuddered at the sound and others voiced their opinion on the fact that the woman should have been locked up or sent to the mental institute long before now.

"Sooo whatta we do now?" Sora asked his best friend Riku, turning to face the silver-haired boy.

Riku just gave a shrug in response. "I guess we just wait here 'till someone comes to get us." he suggested. There was a snort and a grunt from behind the two boys.

"Wait? As if! We're headin' in right boys?" Xigbar sneered, looking over his shoulder as he addressed Xaldin and Luxord. Xaldin merely grunted indifferently. It was clear the only reason he was even there was to keep an eye on the other two. Luxord gave a sly smile, ruffling both Sora's and Riku's hair as he passed them with his two companions.

"See ya inside, lads!" the blonde said cheerfully with the briefest of waves.

Meanwhile at the other side of the crowd.

"What'd you just say to me Chicken-wuss?!"

"You heard me you gangster-street-punk rip-off." Kadaj sneered at Seifer.

"Seifer's gonna kick your asses for that, mamma's boys! Y'know!" there was a brief silence as both boys waited for the familiar one-worder to come from Fuu. Then they remembered she hadn't been allowed to come because this was a guys only thing. But by the time they figured that out both boys had been knocked to the ground by Kadaj's brothers: Loz and Yazoo.

"We will not allow you to talk about mother that way." Yazoo stated, eyes narrowed in a hateful glare. Beside him Loz nodded in agreement, also glaring at them. Although the tears were starting to build up in his eyes.

"Don't cry, Loz." said Kadaj, patting his big brother's arm reassuringly. "We'll make them regret talking about mother."

"That's enough! The only reason I let you three come was because you promised to behave." growled Sephiroth menacingly as he mysteriously appeared behind them. The three boys shrank back mumbling their barely adible apologies. "Damn remnants..."

"Hey! The gate's open let's go!" exclaimed someone excitedly. There were shouts of 'Demyx get back here, you moron!' as a teen sporting a blonde mullet/hawk raced towards the gates. A red-head and a shorter blonde with spikey hair ran after him.

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A/N: Yeah I know this one was kinda short but the rest will be longer, promise! Anyways hope you liked it. Please review, and give your opinions on whether I should have any pairings in this. Also vote on what pairings you want to see in this. And for those of you waiting for the next chapter of 'A Second Chance' I'm having a little dificulty with it so it might be a while yet. Same goes for the people waiting for the next part of 'Who We Once Were' 


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two: Crimes and Sectioning**

Private Braig Gunn (aka Xigbar)

Age: 26

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for drug-dealing, theft, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual assault, physical assault to police officers and joy riding.

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Private Dilan Lancer(aka Xaldin)

Age: 24

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for alcohol abuse and antisocial behavior.

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Private Aeleus Richter (aka Lexaeus)

Age: 25

Job: Mechanic

Convicted for various counts of violence and attempting to smuggle class A drugs

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Private Even Frost (aka Vexen)

Age: 27

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for fraud and antisocial behavior

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Private Ienzo Marx (aka Zexion)

Age: 19

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for fraud, theft, sexual harrassment and perverting the court of justice (A/N: I think that's the term anyway...)

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Private Xehanort Hawkings

Age: 23

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for severe abuse of class A drugs, drug-dealing, identity theft, antisocial behavior, taking part in people trafficking, assault and rape

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Private Aias Lunaris (aka Saїx)

Age: 22

Job: Engineer

Convicted for antisocial behavior, unprovoked physical violence, alchohol abuse and damage to public property

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Private Alex Monaghan (aka Axel)

Age: 18

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for damage to public and private property, gan violence and drug-dealing

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Private Edym Liesk (aka Demyx)

Age: 18

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for carjacking, property damage and being drunk and disorderly

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Private Rodul Smith (aka Luxord)

Age: 20

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for fraud, sexual assault and theft

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Private Amarilu Montoya (aka Marluxia)

Age: 23

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for attempted murder and drug-dealing

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Private Roxas Kemp

Age: 17

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for antisocial behavior, theft and carjacking

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Private Sora Kemp

Age: 17

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for alcohol abuse and theft

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Private Riku Angellus

Age: 18

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for drug and alcohol abuse, theft and vandalism

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Private Loz Angellus

Age: 21

Job: Mechanic

Convicted for various cases of violence

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Private Yazoo Angellus

Age: 20

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for theft and illegal ownership of guns and various substances

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Private Kadaj Angellus

Age: 19

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for theft, drug abuse and unprovoked violence

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Private Sephiroth Angellus

Age: 24

Job: Chef

Convicted for severe drug abuse and dealing, vandalism and attempted murder

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Private Cloud Strife

Age 22

Job: Delivery boy

Convicted for drink driving and driving without insurance or license

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Private Squall Leonheart (aka Leon)

Age: 22

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for antisocial behavior

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Private Ansem Hawkings

Age: 23

Job: Drug-dealer

Convicted of illegal ownership of dangerous animals, and skipping parole

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Private Cid Highwind

Age: 25

Job: Mechanic

Convicted of alcohol and drug abuse as well as antisocial behavior

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Private Vincent Valentine

Age: 23

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for theft and vandalism

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Private Rude Stevens

Age: 24

Job: Student

Has yet to be convicted of any crimes but has been suspected of countless acts of possible terrorism and drug abuse

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Private Reno Sinclair

Age: 22

Job: Bouncer

Convicted for being drunk and disorderly on a number of occasions

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Private Seifer Almasy

Age: 18

Job: Bouncer

Convicted for being drunk and disorderly, attempted smuggling of illegal substances and damage to public property

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Private Raijin Mendez

Age: 18

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for violence

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Private Tidus Price

Age: 17

Job: Delivery boy

Convicted for vandalism

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Private Wakka Blitz

Age: 19

Job: Unemployed

Convicted for being drunk and disorderly

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All thirty of our Bad Lads were now assembled in a large open area in front of the building in which the Platoon Commander resided. They had been forced to stand in orderly rows with their bags to the side by a tall, thin, and extremely intimidating-looking man.

In front of them stood another man, shorter than the first and more portly with balding hair and a moustache. His eyes bored into them in a scrutinizing fashion, his frown disapproving.

"Pathetic. I came here today expecting cold hardened criminals. What do I get instead? You bunch of pansy-ass girls!!" he jabbed Sephiroth hard in the jest with his wooden stick. "Look at you! It's nothing short of a disgrace!" he stepped back a little and swept his eyes over the Bad Lads once again. "You." the stick was pointed at Xaldin "Come here, lad." Xaldin did as was ordered though his face clearly showed his distaste at the situation. "What do you call these _things_ on top of your head?" Sargeant Rae lifted up one of Xaldin's braids using his stick.

"My braids, Sargeant."

"And those things on your face?"

Xaldin's left hand twitched visibly. "My sideburns."

"Your sideburns, _what_?"

He ground his teeth slightly "My sideburns, _Sargeant_."

"Much better, return to the ranks. Now looking around me now I see only three people among you with an almost acceptable styling of your hair!" Sargeant Rae snapped, glaring at them all. "First thing after dinner you are all receiving a complimentary haircut! No exceptions, no excuses!! Now Corporal Murray and Corporal Nauyokas will inform you bunch of girls which section you will be joining. There will be no changes made in the arrangements. If you don't like who you've been bunked with then tough luck! Suck it up and take it like a man!!" and with that he left, presumably to speak with the commander.

"Right! I'm Corporal Nauyokas and I'll be leading One Section." This corporal was quite a short man with darkly tanned skin.

"And I'm Corporal Murray. I'll be leading Two Section." Murray was larger and beefier than Nauyokas but both looked equally formidable in their own right.

The two corporals proceeded to call out the names for the Bad Lads assigned to their respective sections.

**_One Section:_** Seifer, Axel, Roxas, Xaldin, Marluxia, Riku, Loz, Reno, Wakka, Vincent, Zexion, Saїx, Leon, Cid and Sephiroth

**_Two Section:_** Cloud, Demyx, Luxord, Yazoo, Kadaj, Ansem, Xemnas, Vexen, Lexaeus, Hayner, Rai, Rude, Sora, Tidus and Xigbar

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A/N: Oh my God this took forever to finish! . Mostly because I couldn't decide on who should go in which section or who committed what kind of crimes. So yeah, sorry for the wait but at least I've finally got it out and again let me know if you want any pairings in this (and if so what pairings) blah blah blah.

Okay it's nearly half two in the morning, I got no sleep yesterday at all and I'm knackered. So see ya next time I update


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